ive never had what i would call a "conversation" with my mother i dont even really know if she has conversations or is really capable of them hmmm but i am also not capable of them and embarass myself every time i speak interesting how fun

she& #39;s not really a person to me more of a ghost i dont "know" her she doesnt know me either and has never taken any interest in my life at all wow being cringe on the made up holiday even though i told myself i would not. should be used to this by now usually i am i guess idk.

anyway if you wanna feel like a real dipshit try grieving lack of support, connection, attention from someone who treated you like shit and warped your brain so that you are constantly in fear of others, terrified of "bothering" anyone and think everyone is gonna scream at you https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="🤪" title="Dummes Gesicht" aria-label="Emoji: Dummes Gesicht">

and then after that feel guilty for not being forgiving and loving her anyway and all that other bullshit because lets be honest her own life was often an unbearable horrorshow, she was abused as a child worse than i ever was and like probably has pretty legit undiagnosed autism

cool that all ill ever want out of life is to feel taken care of and safe and "loved" (lmfao!) but dont have the tools required to ever accomplish that. not very cool, chill, normal just cringe lame as hell, useless. guess that& #39;s how it goes just wish i could suck it up.

this thread is mostly me postponing making a decision regarding whether or not to call her