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feeling like absolute shit, haven& #39;t been able to break out of loops in a couple days, definitely shouldn& #39;t have texted my ex back
we had a pretty bad breakup coinciding with a mental breakdown that i had and hadn& #39;t talked for a while, she hit me up and wanted to talk & it brought up a ton of feelings and i wanted to get back together with her
ofc she& #39;s dating someone new, someone much better than me, and he quickly became uncomfortable with us talking so we stopped, which is great bc it feels like losing her all over again
all my friends who i talked to about it gave me the right advice, that i shouldn& #39;t text her back and get back into it, but i thought why not, "i& #39;m different", maybe closure or we do get back together
and while there& #39;s maybe more closure for me now, we both hurt each other by doing it. my best friend thinks she hit me up to feel better about the breakup, which i think is a bit unfair cause i don& #39;t think she& #39;d do that
but i do think she hit me up because she& #39;s in a better place now, and ofc neither of us really considered the other& #39;s feelings too much while we were talking; she wanted to be a friend and get some closure, i wanted to get back together
ironic really that after our relationship was over we still hurt each other in pretty much the same ways we did during the relationship
but now she& #39;s fully committing emotionally to her new r/ship by not talking to me, and i& #39;m just overwhelmed with emotions that i never really got over, so it does feel like she didn& #39;t have much to lose by talking to me
and now i feel like i& #39;m where i was before we started dating, minus my worst addictions, but smoking cigs again, feeling directionless and overwhelmed, still having money issues, hating tinder, etc.
one of the worst parts was her trying to give me advice
"things will get better" is trash for the usual reasons, requires perspective ppl don& #39;t have overall or in the moment
"i& #39;m sure you& #39;ll find someone great for you" yeah and i lost her by being a terrible person
"things will get better" is trash for the usual reasons, requires perspective ppl don& #39;t have overall or in the moment
"i& #39;m sure you& #39;ll find someone great for you" yeah and i lost her by being a terrible person
especially since sometimes we fought over those very platitudes, either due to my contrarianness (that i& #39;ve been working on) or because she wanted me to tell her everything would be ok and that we& #39;d be together forever when i couldn& #39;t have faith in that
i wonder if one of my main failings is a lack of faith
but i wouldn& #39;t give up all the bad times we had for the good, and i believe/hope/have faith now that we could make it work. i& #39;m not sure if that& #39;s bc i have to or the hopelessness will feel too overwhelming or bc i just do, but her steadfast belief that we couldn& #39;t hurt a lot too
so i guess i& #39;m having issues accepting her feelings and maybe it is bc of a difference in values; she& #39;s happy with her comfortable & stable relationship whereas our relationship had highs and lows, and man were they highs and lows
ofc the cynically hopeful part of me says something like, well he& #39;s just bottlin his feelings like i did, or, then the first mark of stress the r/ship will break
but idk if he& #39;s the guy she said i don& #39;t think he is, and at least on her side she can handle some stress
but idk if he& #39;s the guy she said i don& #39;t think he is, and at least on her side she can handle some stress
and now i& #39;m just venting on twitter bc i don& #39;t have a stable relationship like that where i can vent to someone in person bc tinder sucks and quar and everything and i don& #39;t have the money to take girls on dates even if i actually put effort into apps or w/e
hoping sending this thread will be insta-carthasis somehow but obviously nothing is ever that easy
trying to reframe is hard bc i can& #39;t accept the framing of & #39;not getting back together& #39; still ig, and the other ones hurt anyways
trying to reframe is hard bc i can& #39;t accept the framing of & #39;not getting back together& #39; still ig, and the other ones hurt anyways
"you won& #39;t find someone like her again but you& #39;ll find someone better for you" really hard to believe, hopeful but obviously painful
"focus on yourself and maybe she& #39;ll come back" almost too hopeful, still painful
"fuck that make a purpose for your being" how do
"focus on yourself and maybe she& #39;ll come back" almost too hopeful, still painful
"fuck that make a purpose for your being" how do
my dad: sorry to hear that, it takes a while
yes i& #39;m sure with 60 years of experience and a wife that& #39;s easy to say
yes i& #39;m sure with 60 years of experience and a wife that& #39;s easy to say
feel cowardly for multiple reasons, never being able to bring up some of my issues & feelings in the r/ship, that apparently if i hit her up sooner she would& #39;ve come back to me (i don& #39;t think that would& #39;ve worked out though i needed time to grow)
prayed about it
(me: praying
my brain:
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ”" title="Musiknote" aria-label="Emoji: Musiknote"> i never used to do that before https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="đ”" title="Musiknote" aria-label="Emoji: Musiknote">)
tried to meditate about it
looked up magic lmao
(me: praying
my brain:
tried to meditate about it
looked up magic lmao
feel pretty terrible about wishing that they& #39;d just breakup, clearly just projecting my feeling that we should be together on her bc i& #39;m finding it hard to accept her feelings. also feeling terrible about some of the things i said, that were coercive and pretty much just for me
and i& #39;m asking myself again why she would& #39;ve texted me, when i had clearer reasons to reach out
unresolved feelings on her part maybe, ofc her idea of resolution would be different than mine if that were the case
unresolved feelings on her part maybe, ofc her idea of resolution would be different than mine if that were the case
she did say she wasn& #39;t really over me, ya pretty hard to get over a 2 year relationship in 3 months, and i actually tried to focus on myself, whereas she (w/ no judgement) went on a bender
