Read on Twitter
I feel like over sharing tonight
So I never had a boyfriend up until I was a freshman in high school right
But I had a (stuuupiiidddd) crush on this guy in middle school
Mind you, I didn’t even like him at first. I only “liked” him because all my friends had a crush (and I wanted to fit in?) 
https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😬" title="Grimacing face" aria-label="Emoji: Grimacing face">
I didn’t feel the attraction to men till I was in HS lmfao https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="😷" title="Face with medical mask" aria-label="Emoji: Face with medical mask"> they ugly idk what y’all saw in them but whateverssss
Anyway I had this “huge” crush on my classmate from 6-8th grade right and over time I actually STARTED to like the dude
Anyway should I add trigge/r warnings?? Idk I’ll be safe and label this as https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="⚠️" title="Warning sign" aria-label="Emoji: Warning sign"> TW: Bullying https://abs.twimg.com/emoji/v2/... draggable="false" alt="⚠️" title="Warning sign" aria-label="Emoji: Warning sign"> just to be safe
Anyway the dude had this friend Jorge who would always pick on me. I was a transfer student from Mexico and I didn’t know ANY English. So I relied heavily on my “friendly” classmates to get around :-) fun
I didn’t have any friends I’d sit in the back and just pass the time in class and Jorge was there. I was a stupid girl and I thought getting close to his friend group would get me noticed by my crush
I’m not gonna get into details because that’s not really the point of this thread ( I don’t know wtf the point is anyway) but the fuck ass dude dipshit good for nothing spit in his hand and rubbed it on my fucking face
This FUCKING bitch just laughs right? And I’m left there fucking stunned and I don’t know what to do??? I start tearing up ( we were in the middle of fucking CLASS)
Anyfucking way I hate spot and anything to fucjing do with it because i was fucjing humiliated by it
Plus this dipshit is always on my fucking DMs trying to hit me up and I fucking wonder. Does he even fucking remember??? I want to fucking tell him so bad. I want to make him understand how his actions affected me but it’s probably fucjing useless
I fucking hate spit till this day. I could SMELL the fucking smell Jesus fucking Christ I was fucking devastated
And I never told a single fucking soul about it. The teacher didn’t know. My parents didn’t know my friends didn’t know. Not even my bf who I tell everything to knows. Because I had it so buried deep down that I pretended some things never happened but I just remembered -
Because I saw his name on my messages and I just WANT TO FUCKING MFHFHFNDJDN YOU KNOW?
And you know what? FUCK you kassandra because you kept sending me to the wrong fucking classrooms FUck you BITCCCCCHHHH
And all y’all fucking bullies who will remain in my fucking mind forever fuck you fuck you fuck you fuck youuuuuuuu
Okay I’m done I just wanted to say some words
OHHH. If you have a crush on someone who has shitty friends, they’re most likely fucking assholes too. So save yourself the trouble and stay away from them, men are never fucking worth it
you know what’s fucking crazy? The fact that none of my friends know I was a victim of bullying for 4 years straight
The friends I have, who I LOVE, I met in my last months of middle school and stayed with them until we finished high school. We’re all still friends but I never once mentioned what happened in middle school
I’ve always been very private about my social, family and mental issues with my friends and family. This causes me to feel VERY misunderstood and rejected at times
They have no idea what I really go through and I notice that it kind of caused them to have this false image of me. No, I don’t fake my personality for them or anything. It’s just that I’ve become to used to just pretending that the problems aren’t there
And at moments when I feel weak I just -isolate- myself from everything until it “goes away” like I like to call it
And then I pretend nothing happened because thinking about dark times when I’m feeling okay makes them not feel real
And it’s so fucking wrong lmfao the only person who truly, truly knows me is my boyfriend. He’s the only one who has actually taken the time to know me, the real me, and he still chooses to love and care for me
And like sometimes I feel like a fucking asshole you know lol because I just /leave/ mentally for a day or two and he’s like it’s okay I understand but I know it hurts him and it just makes me feel worseeeeeee
But he’s annoyingly persistent and doesn’t stop reassuring me and sending love my way and ugh I love this man I want to KITHHHH
This has become an I love my bf thread but idgaf I tweet what I want
Oh wait back on that whole my friends done fucjing know me thing. I once went crying to my friends house after a shitty thing with my family. And I just broke down crying in her arms and she just had no idea you know like I’ve known this girl for 4 years
And I was having a mental breakdown in her arms because I couldn’t go home. I had nowhere else to go and I just happened to be talking to her and I was like hey lol can I go over? And she was like yea sure
And I was just pouringggg information on her and she had NO idea what to say because I never spoke about my broken home to her
A big reason why I never told my friends was because I was just embarrassed you know
It’s embarrassing to tell people about what goes on at home. It’s hard to say these things and even right now as I’m typing this to /nobody/ it’s HARD.
My home problems and stuff have never left my mind. I’ve never spoken about it, I’ve never typed it out, never wrote about it, never said it out loud to the wind or the sea or sum
And I want to, I want to just kinda idk get over it and let it go and leave it in the past like I’ve done with a lot of things but I can’t sooooo eh let’s leave it there I think I’m done with that topic
I’ve truly only really talked about shit like this with my bf. And i think deep down I know it’s not right and I really should tell me friends about it because they deserve to know the true me
Because it has come to a point where I literally feel like I have two whole different personalities
Because now one friend group has this fun and silly Esmeralda (ovbs they don’t think that little of me but just to get the point across) and geez they don’t even know about my past or my current problems or that I’ve stugfles with a lot of things
And then there’s the other group that kind of knows what goes on but doesn’t see how it actually affects me because I don’t even talk about it with them so it’s buried deep down I. Those (wtf did that happen?) moments
So it’s like I can’t even turn to any of my friends for support LMFAO but to be honest I’ve never tried
I’ve never reached out when I’m in too deep or when I feel like I’ve reached rock bottom
I can’t blame anyone for this but myself so
I feel bad, because I shouldn’t rely on my boyfriend to be there for me all the time. I have to understand that he’s not a therapist and just because he helps me through it, doesn’t mean it’s ever going to be resolved
SOMEONE REPORT ME SO I CAN STOP TALKING PLEASE I DONT KNOW HOW TO END THIS THREAD. SHIT JUST KEEPS COMING OUTTTT
